Thursday, 26 January 2012

Pixy's Alternative Oscars!

Hello hello! Welcome to our evening of boring old white dudes patting each other on the backs. If any of you saw the Oscar nominations this week then like me, you're probably wondering why THE NOMINATIONS ARE SO SHIT. I MEAN COME ON, THE HELP? WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THAT? TWO SONGS NOMINATED IN THE BEST SONG CATAGORY? THEY ARE ACTUALLY FUCKING WITH US, RIGHT?

Ahem. To say I got a little bent out of shape is pretty much an understatement. I spent most of Monday gnashing my teeth at whoever would listen until my boyfriend couldn't take it anymore and told me to write a blog post about it. So I will! I'm holding my very own Oscars ceremony right this minute, the best part is its only going to take like, ten minutes for you to read and you wont have to sit through acceptance speeches. I'm not going to lie, I haven't seen a lot of the actual Oscar nommed films this year. I've been busy, and I have no inclination to go see Incredibly Loud and Extremely Close, but I still know it is an injustice that Drive, Shame and Tyrannosaur are nowhere to be seen. It's just cruel and shows how out of touch the Oscars are. A PENIS? IN A FILM? GET OUTTA TOWN - Oscar (actual quote*). ANYWAY. Enough of my bitching, lets get down to the good stuff.

The award I am presenting the lucky winners tonight is much coveted. It is glorious. It is majestic. You want to sneak a peek? Well, okay. MAY I PRESENT TO YOU...
[Insert your own theme tune here, I'm using this, and picture in your minds eye the camera panning across many famous Jeffscers sights: Martin Scorcese's eyebrows, Tom Hanks' twinkling eyes, lovable rogue George Clooney pulling a funny face, Brad Pitt smoking a bowl, Sean Penn's buttface...]

Best Picture
For some reason, sister award ceremony "The Oscars" wants us to believe War Horse or Tree Of Life is worthy of the title of Best Picture. I'm afraid they've got it all wrong. Clearly this years Best Picture award can only be won by one film and one film only. And yes, maybe I am biased, but I have been legit obsessed with this film since I saw it at the cinema and considering it is near silent and I have the attention span of a wet sock, that is one mean feat. The Jeffscer Award for Best Picture goes to...
I mean, obviously, right? Spoiler alert: this film is going to feature heavily today. There isn't much I can say about this film that hasn't already been said a lot more articulated than I ever could. What really impressed me about Drive is it took something I could be less interested in (driving) and made it completely enthralling. I love a good revenge film and a bit of gore, it's like this film was tailored for me! P.S. if you haven't seen Driveit is coming on on DVD and Blu-Ray on the 30th and I would urge (URGE!) you to pick it up.

Best Actor in a Leading Role
I found this category probably the hardest to choose for. I mean, there have been some really really good performances this year and I struggled. I was sorely tempted to go with John Boyega in Attack the Block, but somewhat predictably, the Jeffscer goes to...
Well would you look at that, it's totally Ryan Gosling in Drive!  How can a man convey so much without words? Every time he was on screen I could feel my heart breaking for him. To be able to give a soul to an anonymous character (even in the book he is just called Driver) and yet still remain so dangerous under the surface is extraordinary. I am genuinely gutted Ryan hasn't got a single nomination for Best Actor this year at the Oscars considering he was in three really really good films!

Best Actress in a Leading Role
If fucking Maragret Thatcher wins a goddamn Oscar I am moving to the moon. It is just ridiculous. In the words of Lucille Bluth: I just want to set myself on fire! The Jeffscer goes to..
Tilda Swinton, for being Tilda Swinton. Also for being perfect in We Need To Talk About Kevin, but mostly for being Tilda BAMF Swinton. Someome who has the guts to play the role of a mother who hates her child deserves to be commended.

Best Actor in a Supporting Role
I actually don't know why so many people are getting bent out of shape that Jonah Hill got nominated in this category for the Oscars. Jonah Hill is a good actor! I suppose the talent of an actor somehow counts for their film choices, huh? Snobbery at its finest. Besides, most comedic actors try their hand at being srz susans and it nearly always works. Still, I haven't seen Moneyball so I'm not about to Give Jonah the much coveted Jeffscer. NO MY FRIENDS. The Jeffscer has been saved for...
OMG. As if it could have been anyone else! Bryan Cranston was amazing in Drive. Yeah, Albert Brooks was good and all, but Cranston was adorable. Like, do you know how good it feels that Hal from Malcolm in the Middle has been in the best film ever AND has one of the best TV shows around? It literally helps me sleep at night.

Best Actress in a Supporting Role
It's actually quite worrying how little I remember of female performances this year, but then again I haven't been to the cinema very much. I think after I saw Drive I just gave up on ever seeing anything entertaining ever again or something because I'm actually struggling. Though Bridesmaids was good and the whole cast were funny, Kristen Wiig was definitely the best performance but she was also the lead, so instead I am giving this award toooo...
Charlotte Gainsbourg in Melancholia. Because I love her and she never gets enough recognition.

Best Director
This was another tough choice! I could have gone with Nicolas Winding Refn for Drive but actually there were a couple of rookie directors who really made an impression on me. Notably Richard Ayoade for Submarine and the winner, who is...
Joe Cornish for Attack The Block! I AM SO PROUD OF BB JOE, even though he is quite a bit older than me I still feel like I need to protect him and I was especially antsy about his debut film. BUT WHO NEEDED TO WORRY, BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE FUCKING GREAT. Amazing direction from Joe, I especially like that the protagonists were never reviled or celebrated, they just were. And the colours and the slow-mo shots and the action and everything was just incredible. You know when you're in the cinema and it's packed and yet everyone is really into it and YOU ALL SHARE A MOMENT? That totally happened with Attack The Block and that's a sure sign of a winner for me.

Okay, the rest of these winners I shall do in short form because this is getting super long!
  • Best Song - College feat. Electric Youth - A Real Hero (Drive)
  • Best Forgein Film - I Saw The Devil
  • Best Cinematography - Drive
  • Best Editing - Attack The Block
  • Best Costume Design - Drive (dat jacket)
  • Best Special Effects - Jurassic Park re-release
  • Best Documentary - Gypsy Blood
  • Best Make Up - Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part II
  • Best Fucked Up Villain - Michael Parks (Red State)
  • Best Death - Christina Hendricks (Drive)
Special Mention
I have a special mention for one person who tries and tries every year and always seems to fall at the last hurdle. It is criminal that this actor has never received an Oscar, so instead I present him with his very own Jeffscer and a party, it's Forever Beautiful LEONARDO DICAPRIO!!
Better luck next year, sweet prince!
*(Not an actual quote)


  1. This is the best thing I have ever read.

  2. This is awesome! Why can't you do the actual Oscars... and change rules so that we can see Matt Smith's bum?

  3. I specially agree with you about Charlotte Gainsbourg in Melancholia! I love Lars Von Trier Films and I can see why he likes putting her in his movies.


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